Sunflowers….and butterflies

For a long time now, I’ve been wondering why Kerrie doesn’t come to “visit” me.  I never have dreams about her, never “feel” her near me.. I talk to her all the time, cry to her all the time, always tell her how much I miss her … but never feel her there.

 The only time, in the last year, that I have felt her is when I walked into Mom’s house when I went home in July. Walked in the front door.. and there she was. I felt her the minute I walked in.. KNEW she was standing there right in front of me.. in the living room where her bed had been. It was such a strong feeling that without even thinking I said, “Kerrie.. you’re here! I’ve missed you!”  and then the feeling was gone…

When I was home, Mom was showing me all her different sunflowers. She’s got different batches, all started at different times, growing in pots and planters and flowerbeds all over the place. They really looked beautiful.. and I was a bit envious, because I hadn’t been able to get mine to grow.

 I started one small pot, out on my balcony, but just as they had started to grow we had a huge storm in the middle of the night and the pot was knocked over and all the dirt and plants had been spread out on the balcony. I didn’t see it until two days later, after the plants had been baking in the hot, Virginia sun.. and had died.

So, I started another one. This one was a bit bigger, so I would be sure it wouldn’t be knocked over. For two months I have watched the plants grow, and get taller and taller and taller.. but no flowers. They were supposed to be “mini” sunflowers so shouldn’t have grown as big as they were. I was starting to wonder if they weren’t actually sunflowers, but some kind of weed that must have been growing in the dirt. I almost threw them away, but decided just to let them keep growing and see what happens. Then last week, I could see some flower buds starting to appear and thought, “Well.. if not sunflowers at least there is something to see soon.”

A few nights ago, I was sitting in the house and looking at Kerrie’s picture and talking to her.. asking her where she had been, why she never comes to me.. and telling her how much I missed her.  That night, I had a dream.. the first one I’ve had of Kerrie in more than year.  We were looking at renting a house together. I don’t remember much of the dream, just walking through the house together and looking at it and trying to decide which room would be hers and which would be mine.

When I woke up, I was so sad that it hand’t been real… I went downstairs to get some coffee and looked out on the balcony and there.. smiling at me in the sun, were two sunflowers that had bloomed sometime that morning.  It made me feel like maybe my Ker-Bear was saying “hi”.

There are eight of them now, and I sit and look at them every day.. knowing they will be gone soon, but glad they are here with me now… for a little while. Thanks Ker-Bear 🙂

About butterflies.. Mom had recently written that she hadn’t seen any butterflies this year. I had noticed that too. Not one.. I haven’t seen one all summer.

Two days ago, I was standing outside thinking about how there just seemed to be no butterflies when two of them came flitting around my head. One big one and one little one.. they kept flying around, over me and in front of me and, for a minute, I thought the little one was going to land on my shoulder but it just flew by my cheek and then they were both off to some adventure somewhere else.

This made me think of one of my beautiful family members who had seen two butterflies doing something similiar, shortly after Kerrie had passed away.. My message to her.. I thought the same thing as you when these two came to visit me.. I think they’re still together 🙂

Love you all.. especially you Ker-Bear

Jenn