ANOTHER TIME FOR REFLECTION

Hello Kast Family,

So many of you have been with me the last few days more than you will ever know. I have been getting ready to paint my living room and part of the preparation is putting everything away.

It started last week when I moved everything out of the bookcase that was my binder cupboard, picture storage and general catch all. Time to empty the binders and put the contents in envelopes to be looked at someday. All the correspondence from Medicare and Medicaid. The lists of Kerrie’s meds and supplies and equipment from the Home Health Agency. Memos, letters, bills, receipts and on and on. And we still have every card and letter that was sent to Ker and to us before and after she left us.

And then there was a binder labeled ‘Thank You’. In it, listed one by one are all the gifts given to Kerrie while she was spending that last short (but very long) year, with a check mark when a thank you was sent. How organized we both were. I looked at the list and was overwhelmed with memories of things and people and faces. Then I wondered, did we remember to contact everyone? And why, oh why didn’t I take a picture of Kerrie with each item as it was recieved and send it to the person who was so generous and kind? I wish you all could have seen her face when she opened packages that had been sent and how happy it made her!

So, I want to take this chance to tell all of you, that each and every thing that Kerrie received was most welcome and enjoyed. She smiled, laughed and sometimes cried as she looked at every one. We tried to keep as many things as we could in her room. Her windowsill was always full of figurines and stuffed animals and pictures. Her walls covered with cards and more pictures and signs and whatever. There were wind chimes hanging from her curtain rod and her cupboards and drawers were full of pjs and warm fuzzy socks and books to read and paper to write on. And I want you to know that if by chance you did not get a note from Ker or me, it was probably at a time when things were in a crisis, when she was very sick and everything other than being with her went by the wayside. I hope we didn’t miss you, but if so, please accept my apology now.

This weekend  came the time to empty the curio cabinet. One by one I took all her angels and other things up to her room. Every one had a memory. Some have tags saying who they were from, the boxes they go in still have the cards and notes. Some we just knew. There are angels of all shapes and sizes and forms. And music boxes and bracelets and trinkets. They are all still here so she (and we) can see them.  And once the painting is done they angels will go back in the cabinet to be displayed again.

Days like this can be unsettling. I do a lot of remembering and regretting. I suppose I’ll always do that. I guess everyone who loses someone goes back and thinks about all the things they could have done and didn’t or wish that they had done it differently. It’s all part of the grieving process and I find that while it still happens it not quite as painful as a year ago and I know that things will be back to the usual routine in a day or two.

So, KAST family, I just wanted you to know that you are loved and remembered in so many ways and all those memories will be cherished forever. I look forward to your posts and enjoy all the comments. Have a wonderful rest of this very short summer.

With Love

Joan