July 27, 2009

Two years…. it doesn’t seem like it. Sometimes the memories are so fresh it feels like it just happened. But, it’s true.. she’s been gone for two years now.

I came home a few days ago.. walked in the door and got hit smack in the face with “Kerrie”!  I could feel her there, in the room where she would always lay in her bed, smiling and waving to greet me when I would walk in the door. It felt so incredibly strong, and I wasn’t expecting it.. so it stopped me in my tracks. I walked in the room, said “Hi Kerrie. I love you.. and I’m here.” and the feeling was gone.. but she was there for a moment. I do not doubt that.

Today Mom, Ron, Grandma and I spent some time at the cemetery. Unfortunately, Dad was unable to make it due to a recent leg injury that wouldn’t permit him to drive across the state,but he was with there with us in spirit.

We wanted to launch balloons, with messages tied to them, to both Kerrie and my Grandfather but we ran into a problem.. the balloons escaped. As Mom was helping Grandma get settled in her chair, I was walking to get a container for the flowers we had brought and I heared me brother say “Oh no..” As I turned to see what happened I heard my mother yelling, “Jenn”.. and as I looked up, I saw the five balloons ( two purple and green ones for Kerrie and a blue one for my Grandfather) heading toward the clouds. As I stood and watched them go, I knew that Grandpa and Kerrie would still hear our messages.. even if they weren’t tied to the balloons, because they could hear them in our hearts.

We had flowers, sat in the sun for a long time and listened to some of Kerrie’s favorite music, and when it felt like it was time to go we said a prayer.. I said goodbye to my beatiful sister, told her I loved her and we were gone. But I have no doubt she was there with us.

She was with us as we stopped to put flowers on Mom’s grandmother’s site ( which, it turns out is right around the corner from Kerrie and Grandpa Andree.. Mom just recently found this out).  She was with us as we went to dinner.. and she was with us when we came home.

Especially when we came home….

Many of you may remember Christmas of 2006.. My Uncle Dave and Aunt Karol wanted to give Kerrie a special gift for Christmas and asked that everyone share a special memory of Christmas, or any other time, with Kerrie. Anyone who wanted to participate mailed their memories to the home of Dave and Karol Andree, and they wrapped them in a big box to give to Kerrie on Christmas. There must have been 100 of them and it was such a nice surprise when my Aunt, Uncle and Cousins showed up, on Christmas morning, to give these to Kerrie.

A few days ago, my Grandmother told me that two of the letters never made it into that box. I’m not sure why.. maybe they arrived too late?? Maybe they got misplaced??? I don’t know. Aunt Karol had been holding onto these letters, for two years, and asked Grandma if she could get them to my mother. Grandma placed one in an envelope to me, and one in an envelope to Mom and mailed them to Mom’s address. They came today..

When we got home from the cemetery, we got the mail and I opened the letter that Grandma had sent to me. Looking at the envelope inside, I knew the “lost” card was from my cousin Kathy in Maryland.. I know this, of course, because of the return address on the envelope. As much as I would love to think I am psychic the address on the envelope is what tipped me off. In it was a beautiful story about a Christmas that Kathy would never forgot.. and she shared something very special with Kerrie when she shared that story. Kerrie may not have been able to read it back then, but I know she was standing and reading it over my shoulder now. Kathy, I’m sorry Kerrie never got the letter when it was intended, but you have no idea how much it meant for Mom and I to read it today.. of all days.

Then Mom opened her letter from Grandma.. “Oh, it’s from Ohio” I said as I looked at the Akron Postal Stamp. There was no return address, but I thought maybe it would be from Kerrie’s friend Michelle or maybe her friend Mark. Mom opened the card inside and smiled.. read it and handed it to me.

“Is it from Michelle?” I asked as I opened the card. Without reading the letter inside, I looked at the name and burst into tears.. the card was from me.

She never got my card, but she didn’t need to.. she knew everything I had written in there by heart.. because my favorite memories of Christmas, the ones I had written about, were always about her.

What I had written two years ago, meant as a gift for her.. was given to me today.. no doubt as a gift from Kerrie ( and Aunt Karol of course 🙂

We love you Ker-Bear. You are never far from our minds and always in our hearts. 

I love my Ker-Bear and she loves her Jenny-Benny..

Always