Balloons and Candles and Strawberries

Hello Kast Family,

Summer is finally here, with the heat, and thunder storms and flowers. I have pots all over with big plants and little plants and seedlings. I’m sure you can’t guess what I have planted. I started in the spring with little plastic cups on the windowsill. My plants are almost ready to bloom and I have more to come every couple of weeks. Sunflowers of course! There will be tall single ones and short little ones and pots of mixed ones. If I planned it right I’ll have them all through the summer and in to the fall.

The week before last was a week of ups and downs. That Thursday night was the annual balloon launch with the Compassionate Friends Support Group. We met in the church where the meetings are held. It started with readings and music and then out to the parking lot. We stood there silently with all our balloons. There were so many this year. Then the special song started, about watching the balloons rise to the sky to our loved ones. One by one we let them go. It seemed like there were hundreds. We stood there for the longest time as they rose higher and higher. Kerrie’s were the first ones and it was like all the others were following her. It’s really amazing to watch how those little balls climbed, swaying and dancing in the air. The clouds were high this year, but the balloons made it and when they were no more than tiny specks they disappeared in to the misty clouds. People stood and watched until they were gone, holding one another, some crying, others just staring. My niece Kathy was here again this year and she also had a balloon that she sent to the little baby girl she lost so many years ago. Something we share, daughters together in heaven waiting for us.

Saturday I went to a Race for the Cure event. I have not been able to get myself to attend any of these before, but this year the hospital where I work was one of the sponsers. I had sent a decorated luminary bag in memory of Kerrie to be part of the candle lighting ceramony. Something just made me want to be there. There were tents all over with people sitting under the canopies talking and showing people around and selling food and miscellaneous items to raise money for the event. I saw some of my coworkers and then found Ker’s luminary bag. I walked some laps and when it came time to light the candles I made sure I lit hers and also the candle of one of my co workers and friend whose daughter is battling a very rare cancer right now. After the luminaries were lit we all took little candles to a spot on the track where some music played and then a bagpiper stood and waited as we lit our candles and piped us on our silent walk around the track. About half way around I saw someone looking back and I turned and it took my breath away. The entire track was covered with little lights. There were so many and it’s all you could see, hundreds of candles walking in honor of or in memory of someone with cancer. I won’t miss one of these again.

Sunday was our families annual unofficial family reunion and ‘Strawberry Party’ in Vassar where my sister and almost all her children (7) live. That is a bittersweet event for me. This has been going on 40 years or longer. My children grew up attending and now it’s grandchildren and great grandchildren. But my thoughts always go back to what is now three years ago. We had finally had an offical family reunion, with family here from all over the country. I had worked very hard putting together slide shows and a family video with Ker’s expert help. She put music to both and made them perfect. We had such a good time that weekend and there were cousins there who got to met cousins they had only heard of before this. Ker looked so good. She had lost a lot of weight and was so proud.

And then, just a couple of weeks after came the news and all of our lives changed forever. I suppose the time will come when I will get through these kind of days without the emotions being so strong and memories so intense. But right now, it gets very difficult. But, at the same time I find peace with what is happening and I wouldn’t miss any of these events for anything. And I wouldn’t give up the memories of the happy times. I don’t always feel Kerrie around as strongly as I used to, but sometimes when I am doing things like I did that week I can feel her behind me pushing. ” Go ahead, Mom. Go ahead, it’s OK, you’ll feel better”.

Well, everyone, enough for today. I hope you are all having a comfortable and happy summer. Next week fireworks!!!! And for some of us a long weekend!!! Take care all, stay safe and cool.

Lots of Love

Joan