OK Kerrie.. stop the nagging!

I come to this page everyday. Sometimes several times a day..

I look at the picture of my beautiful sister and, as she smiles at me, I try to think of something to write.. as happens most days, my mind is a blank, and I end up saying good morning ( or good night) to Kerrie and closing the page.

Then the nagging starts.. I can hear her in my head..”Write something on there damn it.” Sometimes she sounds a little sarcastic, sometimes she sounds like she’s pleading, not wanting me to let her web page become something in our past. Not wanting it to come to an end. She nags me about this daily..always telling me I need to get on here and write something.. anything… don’t let the web page or her fade from people’s memories. Kerrie.. I have no intention of doing that. I promised her I wouldn’t let the world forget her..and I won’t.

As I type that, my eyes are filling with tears and I wonder.. when do they stop? When do we reach a point when we can think about Kerrie, think about everything that happened and everything she went through, and not feel the burn of tears as they well up in our eyes? As I sit here, looking at her picture on the table next to me, I think about if things had been different… If we had lost her quickly or if she hadn’t had the other complications and had to suffer so much, if it had been an unexpected car accident that took her from us, if we hadn’t spent that year struggling by her side every day… would it be different? Would it be easier to think of her, without having to think of all of her struggles? I’m not sure.. maybe the pain would be worse because we would be thinking about the “what could have beens” instead of KNOWING that it was better for her to go… Even if the pain never stops, I look forward to the day when I can think of her during a time, any time, other than that last year… I really have to try hard to think of her any other way.

OK.. I went off on a tangent. Kerrie nags me to write something every day, but when I ask her what I should write she’s no help 🙂

It’s hard to write something without turning this into the Jenn and Joan show… there is plenty to talk about going on in our lives.. but…this is Kerrie’s page, not ours…as I was reminded once, people come here to read about Kerrie.. not about me. So how do you write about someone when you don’t know how they are or what they are doing? Not easy…

We get glimpses of Kerrie every once in a while. I know she comes to visit me sometimes, but you’d have to have an open mind and belief in the unusual to truly understand/believe how I know this.. and not try to explain it with scientific comments about the mind. Mom mentioned on here, a while ago, that she felt she had actually “seen” Kerrie… my visits haven’t been of that nature yet.. but I’m waiting.

I think she has also been leading us in the direction we need to go in our lives. In her way, she lead Mom to a new job and lead me to the man in my life… I have no doubt Kerrie had her hand in these and Mom and I have talked about the signs we were given from her that lead us in these directions ( Kerrie…you lead Mom to a job close to home.. did you have to lead me to another country ? 🙂 )

She’s also been telling me maybe it’s time to start working on a book. So many people had told me they thought I should turn this web page into a book… Kerrie and I had talked, long before things went wrong, about taking some of the stories and doing just that. We’d try to get it published, use it as a fundraiser and if it even sold one copy, we’d put the money toward Leukemia research or a bone marrow drive or something that would do some good. After it started to look like things were not going to go well, and Kerrie wouldn’t be with us, I had decided that I HAD to do this.. a book like this would be one way I could keep my promise to Kerrie and make sure the world did not forget her. I decided the name of the book long ago, and shared it with Kerrie, and have had the cover designed for more than a year. I know where it starts, I know where it stops, and I know every page in between… but I haven’t been able to make myself put it on paper.. I’m not sure I’m ready yet, but Kerrie has been telling me it’s time. So Kerrie.. I will try. I will do my best to put the words on paper, but I can’t promise that I’m ready yet.

I’ve babbled enough.. and hopefully appeased Kerrie enough to stop the nagging for a day or two.. but I’ll be back soon. Maybe inspiration will hit, or Kerrie will give me something to write about.. maybe not.. but I’ll force myself. She can be very persistent 🙂

Before I go… I’ll dedicate a few minutes to the Jenn and Joan Show 🙂

Mom’s new job is going well and she’s really enjoying it, my job is slowing down a little bit but I know that won’t last too long since I am already working on things for next season.. and then.. Mom and I have some pretty exciting events coming up ( well.. at least I do.. and I’m dragging Mom along on one of them :).

Exciting thing # 1 – I leave for Turkey on November 20th and am going to spend 12 days hanging around Istanbul. Not a working trip, just for fun and to see what Kerrie may have in store for me there.. this will be my forth trip there this year ( again Kerrie… mom’s job was close to home… you couldn’t keep me in the country eh?) I’ve rented an apartment in the city and am going to live like an Istanbulite for a few weeks.. and to the person who is wondering if I will come home wearing a burka ( and I know you are)…they don’t wear them in Turkey 🙂

Exciting thing # 2 – On January 7th I’m heading to Thailand, on a work trip, and Mom has decided to tag along with me !!!!!!! I have to work for 2 days, but then Mom and I will be on our own for 5 days before she flies home and I fly off to Singapore.. our current plans involve going to the palace ( We have to see Anna and the King :).. and Kerrie always did love that musical), riding an elephant, going to the floating market.. and trying to make sure we know WHAT we are eating.. or that we won’t ask until AFTER we have eaten it 🙂

After that I have trips to Ukraine, Macedonia, Turkey 🙂 and China… really want Mom to join me on a few of these, but doubt the new job is going to let her keep taking vacations!

Mom.. it’s time to win the lotto, retire and just spend time traveling the world with me.

I think Kerrie would agree 🙂