Monday, October 10th – www.kast2006.com

The countdown to the transplant started a year ago today. Kerrie had spent a few weeks at home, had just checked back in to Henry Ford and the countdown to Day Zero had begun. We were in her room, I was trying to hook up her DVD Player and VCR, they were starting her on her Chemo for the transplant… and she was complaining that her headache was getting worse.

That damn headache… “Kerrie, it’s a side effect of the Spinal Tap.”.. “Kerrie, it’s a side effect of the chemo.”…That damn headache.

Kerrie and I had a brief talk about the transplant and she made me promise that if it didn’t work that I wouldn’t blame myself. She wanted to talk, but I cut the conversation short and promised her I wouldn’t feel I was at fault. I should have let her talk. I should have let her say what she wanted to say…

How was I to know that, because of that damn headache, I only had 18 days left with my sister…All I could think about was that in 3 days I had to start getting those shots in my stomache twice a day. I never imagined that in two weeks she would leave me.. at least Kerrie as I knew her would leave.. and our “new” Kerrie would spend the next 9 months fighting to live and fighting to have a normal life.

I would take a million needles just to have 5 more minutes with her.

I miss her so much

99 Comments

Deb Kayga

October 11, 2007 at 4:44 pm

No words can express my thoughts to you and your family–but I know that she is always with us cuz I just redid my kitchen and before I knew it, I know have added sunflowers. She is something else, isn’t she!!! Hang in there! Deb Kayga

Chris

October 11, 2007 at 5:23 pm

Don’t beat yourself up Jenn. There is no bargaining in this situation. You did as much as you could do and you have nothing to regret. Only Kerrie knows the real impact your caring had on her in the months she was lucid and the months she was not. Don’t forget that as hard as this was for you and Aunt Joan especially, there is a lot of positive to hold on to. First you got the opportunity to take care of her and be active in that. You got a chance to say goodbye to a loved one that passed to early. A recent car accident death of a friend of mine recently reminded me how important that can be. It’s ok to hate needles and shots. It’s who you are and being who you are is the greatest thing you could give to your sister. Focus on the things that are positive. Don’t forget that your environment is a product of you. Don’t make yourself miserable or you’ll be miserable and that doesn’t change a thing. You don’t have to worry about whether or not you have honored the memory of your sister. It may never feel like you did enough or could do enough now because there is no set limit of actions that need to take place. It is undefined. You can only compare your situation to others like it that you know of. In my experience, you did more than you needed to quicker than you had to decide to do it. You took risks that were not expected of you and made sacrifices of time and personal life that noone asked you too or would have looked down on you for not taking. You would take another million needles but that is not required here. The only thing left to do is move on and keep Kerrie in your heart and mind. Keep you head up. Love you 1,000,000. take care
Chris

Mom

October 11, 2007 at 10:02 pm

Hey Deb,
I keep finding things with sunflowers too. Seems like they have to a part of things now. 🙂
Miss Ya
Joan

Jason

October 11, 2007 at 11:36 pm

I have noticed sunflowers ALL OVER the place the last few weeks. It’s just a beautiful reminder.

Jenn, you are too hard on yourself. You were the only perfect match, the only one that had the option. If you were not a fit, you’d beat yourself up. If I remember right, didn’t your cells overachieve?… You did something unexpected…

You can’t blame yourself. I have no idea where you would even start. All the drives, talks, emails, time… you, (and you as a family) have done such an incredible heart-felt job I feel like writing NBC and getting you a mini-series. How this wonderful, supportive, giving, focused, loving family has gone through this.

You should rest well knowing you did all that you could. Almost got fired for it. (well, maybe not, but didn’t let your job get in your way). I don’t think there was any more that could have been done, and there are always words left unsaid. Keep your head up, there is no blame or guilt here or there.

I look up to you.

Love you,
J

Sandra

October 14, 2007 at 10:00 pm

Dear Jenn, I still look forward to reading your words and checking up on your family. Anyone, would be proud to have you for a sister or a daughter. I would want someone with your strength,courage,and determination on my side.

We all learned a great deal from you and Kerrie. Just the other day my daughter (age 7) remembered helping at the bake sale for Kerrie. She said “gosh Mom, too bad everyone did all that work for nothing! It didn’t fix your friend.” That broke my heart. I was quick to tell her we all did a great thing by letting Kerrie know she was loved and so many people came to show they cared. We are all still thinking of Kerrie and all the hearts she touched.

Have a blessed day and know Kerrie is with you always.

Deb Kayga

October 11, 2007 at 4:44 pm

No words can express my thoughts to you and your family–but I know that she is always with us cuz I just redid my kitchen and before I knew it, I know have added sunflowers. She is something else, isn’t she!!! Hang in there! Deb Kayga
Chris

October 11, 2007 at 5:23 pm

Don’t beat yourself up Jenn. There is no bargaining in this situation. You did as much as you could do and you have nothing to regret. Only Kerrie knows the real impact your caring had on her in the months she was lucid and the months she was not. Don’t forget that as hard as this was for you and Aunt Joan especially, there is a lot of positive to hold on to. First you got the opportunity to take care of her and be active in that. You got a chance to say goodbye to a loved one that passed to early. A recent car accident death of a friend of mine recently reminded me how important that can be. It’s ok to hate needles and shots. It’s who you are and being who you are is the greatest thing you could give to your sister. Focus on the things that are positive. Don’t forget that your environment is a product of you. Don’t make yourself miserable or you’ll be miserable and that doesn’t change a thing. You don’t have to worry about whether or not you have honored the memory of your sister. It may never feel like you did enough or could do enough now because there is no set limit of actions that need to take place. It is undefined. You can only compare your situation to others like it that you know of. In my experience, you did more than you needed to quicker than you had to decide to do it. You took risks that were not expected of you and made sacrifices of time and personal life that noone asked you too or would have looked down on you for not taking. You would take another million needles but that is not required here. The only thing left to do is move on and keep Kerrie in your heart and mind. Keep you head up. Love you 1,000,000. take care
Chris
Mom

October 11, 2007 at 10:02 pm

Hey Deb,
I keep finding things with sunflowers too. Seems like they have to a part of things now. 🙂
Miss Ya
Joan
Jason

October 11, 2007 at 11:36 pm

I have noticed sunflowers ALL OVER the place the last few weeks. It’s just a beautiful reminder.

Jenn, you are too hard on yourself. You were the only perfect match, the only one that had the option. If you were not a fit, you’d beat yourself up. If I remember right, didn’t your cells overachieve?… You did something unexpected…

You can’t blame yourself. I have no idea where you would even start. All the drives, talks, emails, time… you, (and you as a family) have done such an incredible heart-felt job I feel like writing NBC and getting you a mini-series. How this wonderful, supportive, giving, focused, loving family has gone through this.

You should rest well knowing you did all that you could. Almost got fired for it. (well, maybe not, but didn’t let your job get in your way). I don’t think there was any more that could have been done, and there are always words left unsaid. Keep your head up, there is no blame or guilt here or there.

I look up to you.

Love you,
J
Sandra

October 14, 2007 at 10:00 pm

Dear Jenn, I still look forward to reading your words and checking up on your family. Anyone, would be proud to have you for a sister or a daughter. I would want someone with your strength,courage,and determination on my side.

We all learned a great deal from you and Kerrie. Just the other day my daughter (age 7) remembered helping at the bake sale for Kerrie. She said “gosh Mom, too bad everyone did all that work for nothing! It didn’t fix your friend.” That broke my heart. I was quick to tell her we all did a great thing by letting Kerrie know she was loved and so many people came to show they cared. We are all still thinking of Kerrie and all the hearts she touched.

Have a blessed day and know Kerrie is with you always.