And away we go… or at least the hair.
Hmm… I think it’s time to teach Fuat about Draino and how to use it. Each day, as I would stare at the hair in the bottom of the tub would wonder “how many days?” “Will it come out a little at a time, just like this, or will it start to come in handfuls?”
Yesterday, I got my answer.
 As I stood, staring at the huge pile of hair in my hand as I tried to wash the rest of the shampoo out… all I could think was “this is it”. The more I tried to get the shampoo out, the more that ended up in my hands. When I ran a comb through it, to get the conditioner to spread evenly… the pile just got larger. I was afraid to rinse or comb or wash… afraid how much more would come out. Afraid I would be left with nothing or a big bald patch. I KNEW it would happen, but no matter how prepared I was for it.. you can’t really be prepared for it. And.. I started to cry.
My poor, sweet husband heard me crying and was so worried he came running into the bathroom. Afraid I had fallen, afraid something terrible had happened. Instead.. he found me standing there, crying over a pile of hair. He was so nice, so sweet, so consoling.. even though I think he was laughing a little on the inside 🙂
I kept thinking about Kerrie… Did she cry when it started coming out? I don’t think so…but I don’t remember. Mom and I talked a little about it last night, and Mom reminded me that she really didn’t lose a lot of her hair before she had Alisa cut it short. She really didn’t begin losing her hair until after her extensive chemo and the bone marrow transplant.. and right around the time she had to have the brain surgery. By that time, I doubt she cared much about her hair.. but had she lost it earlier I don’t think she would have cried. She would have met it head on and shaved it all of. If she cried..none of us would have ever known.. not even me. I intended not to let anyone see me cry.. maybe Kerrie would know… but no one else would. Unfortuatly, my darling Fuat heard me and came running.
After he was able to stop my tears and make me feel better, we decided we wouldn’t wait for the hair to decide to leave me.. I was going to get rid of the hair. Last night we went to the hair dresser, picked out a really REALLY short cut and told the woman to start cutting. I didn’t go as short as a military buzz cut.. not ready for that yet, but assume that will come soon if the hair continues to fall out as it has been… but it’s pretty short. Reminds me of the short haircut Jamie Lee Curtis has.
The entire time I was sitting there, I kept my eyes closed.. afraid to look. Fuat just kept telling me how beautiful I was and how much he liked it and I could tell, by the smile on his face, he really meant it.. he wasn’t just saying that to make me feel better.
I’m getting used to it a little more today, but feels so strange.. I don’t think my hair has been this short since I was a baby. But, I have to face facts that by the time I get used to it, that it will probably be gone.  Time to get the scarves and hats ready 🙂
 Honey, thank you so much for being so wonderful when I was going through my little trauma yesterday :)  I love you my Fuat.
And Kerrie.. every time I hold a handful of hair in my hand and want to cry I will think of you. You had so much strength. When I grow up I want to be just like you…. You are truly my hero. I love you too my Ker-Bear
18 Comments
Joan
Gee, Jenn……….thanks……..now I’m crying too………this was the finishing touch to the letter I just wrote in memory of Kerrie to send to the Compassionate Friends for the July newsletter. Maybe that’s why I did it today. I got your vibes……and something said it was time.
Everyone, I saw a picture of Jenn after the haircut…it’s cute (and curly)and I think she needs to post it for all of us.
I will see you in a few days my daughter……..I am anxious to get to you again. Take care, I love you,
Mom
Ron
look at it this way….. its hair It WILL grow back…. its only a temporary thing….of what could have been a much worse situation….if it bothers ya that much hell go to a wig shop.. and ya can have the hair color/style of the hour or day..think of all the great and funny hats ya can wear think of em like sjoes… more accessories :oP .. keep that chin up…..and try and laugh about it…..laughter is the best medicine…… many hugz
Ron
and jenn with curly hair has to be adorable!!!
Bill Whitney
I started losing my hair at about 25. Unfortunately, it was one hair at a time, slow enough that I could keep denying it. Although there were a few times in the shower I thought my feet were getting awfully hairy.
I still have 45% of my original but now look like I might have lived a few years near Chernobyl. Than I bought a hat, mostly needed a hat because my eyes are so sensitive to light but it didn’t hurt it covered my landing pad.
Now I love hat’s, no longer do I need to spend 10 minutes in front of the mirror combing and pasting so I don’t look like Nike Nolte in the grocery check-out. It turns out it was the shape of my head, along with the Einstein hair style that was getting in the way of my good looks. Ok, my face was getting in the way of my good looks. But I’ve discovered Halloween masks can fix all that.
The only draw back from my new make over is I can’t go into banks anymore, only drive-though for me. But that’s a small concession for the pretty people good life I live now.
….I’m going out to a cheap restaurant tomorrow; I think I’ll pick up a Tiger Wood face for the meal.
Love from the gorgeous cousin
Jenn
You are so funny Bill. Thanks for the good laugh. Ron.. the crazy hats and wigs belonged to Kerrie’s fight.. I will stick to hats and scarves. I didn’t quit get the crazy chromosone that Kerrie did 🙂 Mom.. I love you and can’t wait to see you.
Aunt Roise
Dear Jenn,
Ron is right, it is just hair and it will grow back. I think having it cut was a wise decision. What color scarves do you like, wild colors?
Seriously, I know woman really have a hard time losing their hair most think it is their crowning glory. Your glory is in you, your wonderful personality and the way you can express your thoughts and feelings in words. You will get through this.
Take care I love you with or without hair.
Aunt Rosie
fuat
My beautiful Jenny
as i always tell you beauty comes and goes if someone who cares about out looking beauty he is a looser.. THANKS THE GOD, THE GOD made me see your heart’s beauty which will go on forever… And NEVER EVER forget this you are always THE MOST BEAUTIFUL WOMAN in this world even you have hair or not
I LOVE YOU MY ANGEL, MY WONDERFUL, MY BEAUTIFUL WIFE…
your Fuat
Joan
Well, I guess that says it all………………
Jenn
Yes it does 🙂 I love you too my Fuat.. and I love that you think I look beautiful with almost no hair and a missing front tooth 🙂
Karen Hancock
Jenn,
Teena tells me that your short hair looks so cute! She was gonna show me a picture she said she had on her phone, but got busy & forgot. I’ll catch her on Friday! Fuat’s short hair looks very good too; you guys are like John & Yoko when they got their heads shaved together! 🙂
You’ll be on my mind as you begin round II tomorrow. Stay strong & know that many people love you and are there for you.
Hugz….Karen
Teena
Karen…Fuat has the picture…I got to see her tonight & its cute!!
Aunt Jeannine
Jenn, Finally! I can get to the KAST site! I’m beginning to think the “Forbidden” message I keep getting is personal… LOL. Anyway, I already told you what I think of your losing hair crisis. Go for it Woman! Love you Jenn.
Jeffrey Taylor
Hey there my good friend. I wish I had such eloquent words of encouragement as your mother and family. So I’ll just agree with them in that you are a truly amazing person and I am so glad we have maintained our friendship across many miles and periods of absence of each other’s company. I must admit that I am having a difficult time imagining you without your beautiful long blonde hair. So please do post a pic so I can see how cute everyone says you are. I think of you often lately and sometimes think that I should just press that button on the phone, but then something gets in the way and I become distracted and forget to do it. I was talking with someone last week about the time we went to Put-In-Bay and got hammered eating cherries soaked in Everclear. Oh my!! I’m looking forward to the day when I can come and meet your awesome husband. We’ll tell him about all the great times we had at BLFAC, but we’ll leave out the Party Point antics. LOL ! I am so very glad that 20some years ago I made the decision to come to Michigan for a summer, which led to our friendship. I can honestly tell you that you have influenced the person that I am today. I love you for that. Take care of yourself and I will try to call before long. Best wishes, Wink.