Too many memories

I visit with my beautiful sister, here on this page, every morning.. every night and often during the day.. For the last several months I log on here, with the intention of writing a post.. to tell you the story of my butterfly in Istanbul, the towels in the kitchen that I am sure Kerrie is playing with, and many other things.. but every time I log on I lose my energy, lose my ability to write… so I have had a long absence.. but I have been here. Every morning, every night and throughout the day. I need my sister with me always… but the last few months have been private with just me and her.

Mom has done what she can to get me to post, but… with my best intentions when I log on, I just lose all my thoughts when I am actually sitting here. Kerrie has been nagging at me about this too..

Tonight, I logged on with every intention of writing something beautiful about my sister.. maybe telling you about the Istanbulite butterfly… but not this week. This week is weighing very heavy in our hearts and I know there are others.. besides Mom, Dad, Ron and I who are feeling this.

I can’t stop the memories… what we were doing the Monday of this week last year? Mom had called me at 5:00am and I drove as fast as I could to Michigan..technically, it was two days from now.. but I relive things by the day and not the actual date. Cousin Kathy was here and in the hospital room with Mom, Dad and Kerrie when I got to Henry Ford.. Kerrie couldn’t remember my name.. but when I walked in the room she started crying “it’s here.. it’s here..” I relive that memory so often, and tell Kerrie.. even now.. “Yes Kerrie… I’m here.”

I think about that so often, but had forgotten that it was today ( well… actually.. the 23rd.. but it was Monday of this week).

I know I shouldn’t have done it.. it was a huge mistake to do it… but I had to go through the old posts from this week and when I saw that this week, Monday of this week, was when that happened I just started to cry and told Kerrie “I’m here…”

Kerrie, I wish I had gotten there sooner.. I wish I hadn’t even left for the one day I was gone.. I wish I had spent more time with you and hadn’t kept going back to Ohio and back to work over that whole year..I wish I hadn’t been so impatient to get back to work that week and hadn’t been spending all that time worrying about whether or not I was going to get back to work in time to take all those kids on that trip to Washington D.C. I wish I would have just said, “screw work” and realized that I wouldn’t be going back home that week… and would have just stopped wondering when I was going to be able to go back. I wish you had been the most important thing on my mind that week.. the only thing I cared about that week… but I didn’t realize I wouldn’t be going home until it was too late to get back the time I had lost with you and that I hadn’t made the most of the brief times you were coherent and really “there” with me..

I wish I wouldn’t have just sat there and stared at the TV with you… but I didn’t know that I was losing what few minutes I had to really make things count. You knew… you knew.. When I go back and read what I wrote during that week.. you knew. You knew on Monday… Even when you refused to close your eyes and rest, because you said you wanted to see Mom, Dad and I as much as possible.. I didn’t get it… I knew what you meant, and I knew you were worried.. but I just didn’t get it that you really knew.

Even Monday night.. when you talked about “my friends” in the room and how nice they were.. I didn’t get it. The thought entered my mind.. I knew what it meant that you were seeing “friends” that weren’t really there and that we didn’t really know.. It worried me, becuase I knew what it meant….but I just didn’t get it.. or I just didn’t accept it.. and come Tuesday and Wednesday, when things started to look better and your fever went down.. I started thinking and planning on going home so I could take care of work. I wasted that time with you… I lost those brief minutes throughout the week that you were really there with me and I can never get them back.

Every day we ( Mom, Dad, Ron and I) are reliving what happened “this time last year”.. every day I think about what I was doing, Mom tries not to look at the notes on her old calender.. but does anyway.. every day the four of us are reliving all this and it gets harder as each day brings us closer to the end of this week.

For me, the tears started a few days ago and have only really stopped when I am around other people… going back and reading my posts from this week was not a smart idea when it has arleady been hard enough.. but Kerrie’s been telling me, just in the last few minutes, that it’s ok to cry..

Friday isn’t the correct date.. but to me it is the correct “day”… and, as it happens, I will be landing at Detroit Metro Friday afternoon, and driving by Henry Ford right around 3:33 pm…and although some of us in the family argue about the exact minute.. it was 3:33pm.. I was probably the only person who thought to turn, right then, to look at the clock so the red, digital numbers on that clock would be burned in my memory forever…

If I could make the plane fly faster, I’d get there sooner… and as hard as it would be.. I think I would want to be standing on P2, outside her room, at 3:33pm.. It’s probably a good thing I can’t.

I know Kerrie is in your minds this week, in your hearts ( as always)… she’s around.. she’s letting us know she’s here.. and if I can find a way, I’m not going to waste the opportunity this time to tell her how much I love her, how lucky I was to have her as my sister and how she will always be my best friend.

I love you Ker-bear

and maybe I will tell everyone the story of my Istanbul butterfly after we make it through this week.

I love you Ker-bear