January 17

Today is Kerrie’s birthday.

For the last few days, I haven’t been able to stop thinking about July 31, 2006. It was a beautiful, warm, sunny day and Kerrie and I were sitting out on the balcony at Mom’s. Kerrie was sitting in the chair, legs stretched out, head back, face turned up to the sun and her eye’s closed.. I know we were both thinking that today would be her last day outside. Tomorrow we would check in to Henry Ford and she would be confined to the hallways of P2. We didn’t know what it would look like, how big her room would be or what would happen next.. we just knew that today was her last day outside.

She opened her eyes, looked at me and said, ” You know what I am really going to miss? The sun and the way it feels on my skin, the sound of the trees when the wind blows through them and the rain. I’m really going to miss the sound of rain.” I laughed a little and told her she’d still be able to hear the rain, but she said it wouldn’t be the same. Then she sat up, looked at me, started to cry and said, “I’m not going to live to see 40.”

I sat in the chair and just said, “Yes you are. This is going to work. Yes you are.” Why didn’t I get out of that chair and hug her? It’s driving me crazy to think I just sat there. I wish I could go back and hug her.. and never let her go.

Today would have been Kerrie’s 39th birthday.

The support group Mom has joined has a meeting tonight.. Mom’s going to take a cake. I’m going to stick a candle in a cupcake.. and sing happy birthday to my sister. If I can get the words out.

Kerrie couldn’t have cake on her last birthday.. so today, eat a piece of chocolate for her.. and sing happy birthday.. if you can get the words out..

Jenn