Sunday November 18, 2007

Hello Friends and Family,

Been a while since posting. Both Jenn and I have been busy. She is still getting settled in her new home and job in Virginia. I am just trying to get settled.

Hard to believe it is almost Thanksgiving. Time seems to fly and I can’t help but think back to a year ago. Kerrie was out of ICU and no one knew yet what her future held. There was talk of starting therapy for her, but not much being done yet. Her speech was still so bad, she could barely communicate except by pointing at words on a page. To think she actually came so far after all that. Little did we know one year ago that in a few days she would require brain surgery for an abcess. Little did we know that some of her speech problems and weakness were probably due to that abcess. She began to make such progress after they removed the abcess and the infections started to go away (or at least get under a little control). We had such hope!

The last couple of weeks have been kind of funny, and I don’t mean amusing funny. I still find myself doing strange things. I need to double check myself on everything I do at work. I make out assignments and then tell people to report to any entirely different unit. they call me back and ask me if they are supposed to be somewhere else. Oops! Yup, just trot on over to the other side I’ll say. I get so absent minded I start one project, pick up something, put it down and then can’t find it for a week. If I don’t write things down, they don’t stay in my brain more than five minutes. Then a couple of weeks ago I kind of crashed. Seemed like it was all I could do to get out of bed and I couldn’t stop thinking of Kerrie, every second, constantly. Finally made it to a support group meeting. What an emotional experience, and what a helpful one. They showed a video about grief and getting ready for the holidays. One of the things they discussed was what you go thru after a loss, a period of numbness where you don’t remember things and just kind of go on autopilot. Then the thaw sets in and emotions and memories start to come to the surface and everything becomes very static. You feel angry, sad and everthing is in a kind of turmoil. I sat there and watched and listened and realized……….I’M NOT CRAZY!!!!! This is normal, what I am going thru right now is normal. I just didn’t know it was coming, I thought I had already adjusted, I even wondered why I was handling things ‘so well’ and figured ‘it’s just because I’m a nurse and I understand”. Yeah, right!

So now I’m sad all the time, but it’s ok, it will pass, and it’s because I love Kerrie so much and miss her so much. I’ll always be sad, but I’ll handle it differently and it won’t control my entire life. And anyway, I tell her about all of this anyway. We still talk the way we always did and I can hear what her answers are and see her shake her head when I tell her about something not going right. And the best part is, she’s well. Her hair has grown back, she’s not having any pain, and she can see out of both eyes and her speech is clear now and she can walk and move by herself. That makes me feel a lot better.

So Family and Friends, Holiday time approaches. Have a great and safe Thanksgiving. Enjoy your turkey or whatever you are having to celebrate. Good luck with your shopping this coming weekend, find all those bargains, fight all those crowds 🙂

Take care

We love you all

Joan