Friday, July 13th… almost midnight

July 13th sucks.

I hate to even have to remember what we all went through, a year ago today, but I know exactly what we were doing exactly at this minute…

Mom was in her room, with a broken heart, Kerrie was in her room.. on the computer.. looking up Myelodisplastic Syndrome.. I was in the basement.. on the computer.. looking up Myelodisplastic Syndrome. As I sit here, I am almost reliving the horrifying shock of reading the words on the screen.. reading the diagnosis…. reading it again because I couldn’t believe it…hyperventilating.. the pit in my stomache as I ran in circles around the room, silently screaming.. trying to run to someplace, but not knowing where… collapsing on the floor, sobbing and begging someone to save my sister. Screaming it at the top of my lungs, without making a sound..not wanting them to hear me… because I knew that two floors up my mother and my sister were doing the same thing.

Tonight, a year later, I hope my mother is sleeping…I hope my sister is sleeping… while I am at the kitchen table, hands shaking.. wanting to run in circles to somewhere…

…. and begging someone to save my sister.