Friday, October 13th

5:00am… wide awake, staring at the ceiling… knowing the needles will be coming soon. I can hear mom moving around in the house, getting ready for work.

Maybe she’ll forget…( she can’t and I can’t either)… Maybe I’ll fall back asleep and when I wake she’ll tell me she did it already and I slept through the whole thing. Maybe I’m still sleeping and I’ll wake to find the last three months have all been a horrible dream.

I’m trying to control my breathing, using relaxation and yoga techniques, but it’s not working. My heart is pounding, my breathing is too heavy and I have to relax.

6:00am… I can hear her in the bathroom now. She’s filling the syringes and I hear the glass vial “clink” on the counter. I hear her pick up the alcohol wipes that were sitting on the “Sharps” box and I know she’ll be walking into the bedroom any second now.

The door opens and she creeps in… “You don’t have to be quiet. I’m awake.. I’ve been awake since 5:00am”. Awake, dreading this and feeling like a horrible coward. Kerrie’s gone through so much worse and I’m freaking out at a few injections.

“Turn on the light then”, she says and she steps out of the room to get everything from the bathroom. When she comes back I’m laying in bed, one hand covering my eyes, the other hand gripping the side of the bed. “Remember, this is for Kerrie!” She says… I’m holding my breath as the needle goes in, I can’t remember breathing techniques, can’t concentrate on anything other than the needle. Kerrie’s right.. it burns. I can’t hold my breath any longer, so I take a breath and ask Mom to wait a minute for the other injection, telling her I need to breathe.

All I can think about is the day Kerrie was first diagnosed…all I can think about is that night…after everyone went to bed I went downstairs to the computer and looked up MDS. Sitting at the computer, staring at the screen in shock, reading the words “ 3 – 6 months without treatment” , not being able to breathe, laying on the floor until 3:00am sobbing and begging someone to save my sister. That’s all I can think about… this is for Kerrie… I don’t even feel the second needle until after it’s done.

Mom hugs me and we’re both crying and when she says “Its begun Jenny.. Its begun.”

Yes it has!

………………………………

Getting to Kerrie’s hospital room, she looks at me and I can see her question in her eyes before she even says it. “Yes.. the shots burned.” The injection sites are still sore and my bones are starting to hurt. That has to be psychological… it will be at least another day or two before I start feeling any bone pain.

Today we watched a few movies, laid around, took an afternoon nap and walk the halls for a little while.

Kerrie’s still feeling sick, from the chemo, and tonight she’s running a fever. She’s eaten a total of about 100 calories today, so I keep threatening to force feed her. Two bites of oatmeal at breakfast, a couple bites of noodles w/beef at lunch and a few spoonfuls of chicken noodle soup at dinner. That’s all she’s had to eat today and if she doesn’t start doing better soon, they’ll want to put her on the TPN feeding.. or worse.. a feeding tube.

The Nurse just took her temp, it’s gone up more and she’s asking for another backrub.
I’ll do my best 🙂