Dreary Winter Days

Well, the excitment of the holidays is winding down. Most of us are back to work and the last of the kids go back to school tomorrow. All the build up and planning and shopping and wrapping and cooking and eating and now it’s time to settle down for the long winter’s nap. For those of you not in Michigan, you might know that we had slightly snowy Christmas and a mighty huge snowy New Years! It was very beautiful as snow goes, but oh so deep and oh so much. Jenn and I stayed up and had a wild party to bring in the New Year. At least that’s what she told me because I think I slept through most of it. We finally went to bed very late and at 5 am the phone rang…… my work partner’s relief was in a ditch and could I come in so she could go home and get some sleep. What a drive!. Follow the ruts, stay out of the ditches (if you could see them) and go slow. Got in, got home, Jenn’s plane even left that night only a little late….. the snow stayed nice for days and then……….today rain. Kind of yukky out now. But we ended 2007 on a positive note.Our family celebrated New Year’s Eve day by going to see the musical The Lion King and then out to dinner. What a nice way to end a not nice year.

The holidays have been bittersweet. Lots of memories of what we were doing a year ago at this time. But also lots of comfort, with family and friends and …….Kerrie. We felt she was with us most of the time, for many reasons that I won’t elaborate on here. I’m leaving that to Jenn and her creative writing style. She’ll do a much better job than I.

I want to share with you about a special gift I got for Christmas. I came in to work one day and on the desk was a small package with a card… To Joan, With Love. I opened it and inside was a small green colored book with Journal on the front. Peeking out of the top was the tip of a book mark…. a sunflower. I opened it and was so amazed, touched and humbled by what I found. Someone had taken this Journal and had many of Kerrie’s friends, people that she knew and worked with in the hospital, write some comment or memory they had of Kerrie. There were pages of these notes. I was so overwhelmed, and of course I sat there and cried while I read it. I found out that one of the nurses, Sandra Walters, brought it to the office. I don’t know if she was the one who initiated it or was delegated to deliver it, but Sandra was one of the special people in Kerrie’s life and I so thank her for bringing this special treasure to me. And thanks to all of you who wrote in it and said the wonderful things that you did.

I think reading that journal gave me some courage because a few days later I decided to go back to the Family Birth Center. I haven’t been able to step off the elevator there since it closed so many months ago. Even when the elevator would stop there all by itself, I would just say “not tonight Kerrie, I’ll come another time”. So I got off and took a big breath and started to walk. I went down the halls in the birthing center side, looking in to some of the rooms (mostly empty), peeking behind the nursing station desk, seeing people and hearing voices that weren’t there any more. I looked into the nursery and could remember when Robyn and TJ were born and were in that very room. I went on down toward the NICU section, looking at the pictures on the wall of the past residents, all graduated and gone and in practice now. Many of them friends of Kerrie’s, all of them people I knew and once worked with. The NICU was empty and quiet. No tiny babies lying under the hoods and lights. No nurses smiling a warm hello as I walked through. There were things lying on the station desk. Half written notes, piles of papers and other items. It was if someone had just piled things up on their desk and left. And then, with a big breath I went around the corner and in to the Lying In section. I walked behind the desk and sat down in the same spot where Kerrie spent hundreds of hours. I looked around, read the little notes tacked under the counter. wondered which ones she had written. I stayed there a while and just thought of her and how she sat there and greeted people and answered the phone and worked on the computer and lived the life she loved. And then I got up and walked to the door. I had done it, I had gone back and I was still in one piece, I hadn’t fallen apart into little shreds like I feared. I stood at the door a minute and turned around and Kerrie was standing there in the hall. She was in her scrubs and she was smiling at me. I waved to her and said goodbye and she waved backed. I know I saw her, I know she was there. And now when I remember it I am crying.

I check the website every day, as I know many of you still do. I wish we could just have a big get together with all of us at one time, and sit and talk and hug and laugh. I have pictures I’d like to show you and I want you to read my journal. I want to hear your voices and see your smiles. I feel your hugs sometimes right thru the computer screen, but I would like to hug you back.

Thank you all for being such a great support. I will try to get back to this page again soon….. I’ve let too much time go by already….. and I don’t know about you, but come on Jenn! It’s time you got on here! I miss seeing your posts.!!!

Take care, stay warm, stay healthy

Love You All

Joan